If Nothing Else, I was Here

Hello guys! Today’s blog is more along the lines of my public journal and less of the research or editorials I’ve been posting. I want to get back to writing in this style so please expect more posts like this one! I finished this semester last week (thank god) so I will be posting most of the blogs I’ve written these past few months but haven’t had the time to edit, both on here and on my Korean history blog @theforgottenwar. Hope to see you soon!

One day I had a realization that I knew nothing about myself. And not in a philosophical “who am I?” kind of way, but in a raw basic fundamental understanding of what makes up me. My favorite things. What I like. Who I like. What I want to do in my free time. If I thought about myself from an outside perspective, I wouldn’t be able to see something in the store and think “they would like that,” because I simply don’t know anything about me.

I know what I’m good at and I know what I do, but I don’t know what I like. I realized with shocking clarity that I am not living like this. I’m alive, I’m surviving, but I’m not living. I’m not finding joy in my life; I’m not looking forward to anything. I’ve overcome a lot in my life – being suicidal for the majority of it, depression, anxiety, and a broken family sucking up my childhood. But I’ve also accomplished a shit ton. I’m in college, I have amazing friends, I am an amazing friend, I run two blogs that I’m passionate about it, my research is being published (!), but still, I am only a functioning person with mental illness. Questions I ask myself often all have a major theme of who the hell am I? What’s my favorite food? What’s my favorite book? What’s something memorable I’ve done? What makes me happy?

These things are paramount to what makes you, you, but I don’t know them. and I constantly wonder what I could have done as a kid or a teenager or even last year if I wasn’t trying to wade through water just to make it through to the next day.

While September was mental health awareness month and that’s usually when most of these posts and blogs come out, highlighting the struggles people have or expressing how they overcome those hardships and continue on to lead a “normal” life. But I fucking hate the term normal. Nothing is normal, people aren’t stagnant, we’re not meant to grow into one type of person and stay like that for the rest of our lives. People are constantly evolving, changing, learning, finding new ways to express themselves. With mental health illness, that is so so difficult and most days I don’t have that luxury.

My days are boiled down to functionality and using all my energy on getting through the day. For me, basic things like brushing my teeth and changing my clothes and responding to text messages and remembering to eat are huge and difficult tasks. It’s always been like that – add school, work, the average adult life responsibilities and these tasks are all I can do, all I am. My entire sense of self revolves around the concept of how well I’m functioning but …. What’s left?

“A frustrating part of the anxiety-depression combo is that while depression takes away most of your motivation, anxiety reminds you how there’s a slight chance that everything could go wrong.”
@dontdothatman on tiktok

I’m turning a new chapter. I’m entering the summer of my life; the best times are right around the corner and I want to figure out everything I can about me. I want to fall in love with myself and I want to love me back. This journey of figuring out what exactly is existing in this world with my name, wearing my skin, who I am looking at in the mirror – it’s going to take a long time. But the beginning stages I’m going to share with you. I’m going to share my first shaky steps towards something grand, because doing things you’re afraid of is a little easier when you’re not alone. This project is a compilation of all the things I wish I did, the things my younger self didn’t think we were ever able to do. This is living proof that, if nothing else, I was here.

DAY 1: Paint without worrying about the end result

Day one started at 4:28am on October 4^th, 2020 because I was anxious and couldn’t fall asleep. I thought “fuck it” and dug out my easel, grabbed the forty-inch canvas I’ve been hoarding, and hunted down the dusty box of paintbrushes I neglected since Christmas. I knew this one was going to be difficult because I’m a perfectionist and also a terrible painter and my hands constantly shake. But, the entire point of this series is to jump off the deep end and trust myself that the other side will be better than where I am now. I turned on my playlist called “You’re the main character” and with no thoughts or hesitations began. I just grabbed the three most appealing colors, my biggest paintbrush, and started doing whatever. I attempted a pencil sketch at first but abandoned it for the unanticipated freedom that came with slapping my paint on the canvas and using it like a toddler. It’s messy and murky in spots, but I think the backdrop came out really pretty and I’d honestly recreate the color combo for future paintings. I then tried to use a paint and pen but that flopped almost as soon as it started and while I felt like freaking out over the mishap I tried to think positively and say, “our mistakes are still valuable.” I switched to a thin paintbrush and black paint instead. The vines I painted were shaky and uneven and unproportioned, but they did the job and I moved on. The face was hard because I want things to look like the preconceived notion of art I have are, and I knew I couldn’t ever do that if I draw a face this way, but I still went for it. Two eyes, a nose, lips, eyebrows, that’s a face. The paint dripping made me want to cry but turns out the painting is crying enough or the both of us. I added the red leaves as an afterthought, which was exciting in and of itself.
At the end as I’m sitting here at 6:33am looking at my painting, I actually love it. It’s extremely ugly, almost childlike, but it’s … perfect. I think it’s a mix of both sad and happy emotions and I’m proud of it.

DAY 2: Order something off a menu I never usually would

I realized after reading day one’s entry, that just talking about these things is not only boring but pointless. What does it matter which paintbrush I used? Or what the end result looked like? This project is supposed to be about the emotions connected to these activities – what did I learn about myself while doing it? What’s different about me now that I have? So, with that being said let’s jump into day two. If you’ve known me in real life for a little while, you’ll know about my issues with food. I describe it as being a picky eater, but it goes much much deeper than that. It’s a phobia, an anxiety, something I deal with every day, something I’ve gone to therapy and a nutritionist for years for. It truly, for lack of better words, sucks ass. (I’ll most likely be creating an independent blog post detailing this because I don’t really talk about it often, so look out for that!) needless to say, I anticipated a lot of difficulty and anxiety and discomfort in doing this but also that that was another pushing point to prove that this was important. I didn’t want to have a full-blown panic attack over this nor did I want to spend a lot of money on something I might not finish – so I went small. The dollar menu at Taco Bell kind of small.

Not only do I hate eating food that I don’t know what it tastes like, I hate eating cheese. What better option than a cheesy roll up. I know, I know, “KayCee that’s really crappy food and really bland.” I did say I would start small, didn’t I? Ordering this made me sweaty, as if the cashier would know I’m a fake cheese-roll-up-stan and call me out but I was able to do it. The hard part was eating it – it took a lot of hyping myself up, and self-encouragement and finally I was able to black out for a second and take a bite. It was fucking gross and I spit it out. Sorry Taco Bell. But, I did it. And I’m proud I was able to do it. I’ll try this again in small (very very small) steps to hopefully be able to order a whole meal that is new, but for now, this is enough.

DAY 3: Find my favorite song

This was so entirely difficult to start; I didn’t even know how. Do people even know what their ultimate favorite song is? Is that a normal thing to do? Who knows, and who cares, I’ll find my favorite song simply because I said I would. The best way to get to the bottom of this was a true March Madness bracket of kick ass songs. I decided to go through every song I have saved on spotify (a total of 1721 songs) and just find ones I liked. There’s a criterion, of course, as all good organizational systems have: (1) does the song make me excited to listen to it? (2) am I vibing while listening? (3) Do I know all the lyrics? (4) are there good memories attached to the song?
That alone was the most fun I’ve had while listening to music. Below is the list of the twelve songs that made the bracket [this is a judge free zone and I expect no side eyes at my list lmao]

Once Upon a Time – Mariahlynn
Strangers (Korean Version) – SHINee
Bleed it Out – Linken Park
Relax, Take it Easy – MIKA
DNA – BTS
I Dreamed a Dream – Susan Boyle
Listen to your Heart – Roxette
BABY – The Rose
Fire – Wang Yibo
Stand out fit in – ONE OK ROCK
EOEO – UNIQ
Where Does the Good Go – Tegan and Sara
무체 (Untitled, 2014) – G. Dragon
Theme of King J.J. – Taro Umebayashi
Ring Ding Dong – SHINee
Okey Dokey – Mino and Zico

I decided on making the list as general as possible, because I could easily separate my saved songs into infinite categories. Top 10 Korean Rap songs? Top 10 Chinese pop songs? Top 10 instrumentals? It’s endless. This way I get to sample a little bit of all the music I enjoy listening to and also make it a bit challenging comparing such different genres.

Right away I knew this would be torture because HOW on earth would I fairly compare these songs? I made the comparison contest but still… it’s rough. I literally had an out of body experience trying to compare SHINee and Susan Boyle.
Not only was this experience really fucking fun and exciting to do, it was also an exercise in tapping into what I’m feeling. Something I struggle with a lot is pinpointing my emotions. I have an easier time noticing the Loud emotions like sadness, anger, happiness. But the quiet ones, the ones that can easily slip by throughout the day unnoticed, those are often a mystery to me. Sitting down and focusing on how a song makes me feel was eye opening for how intricate my emotions actually are.

The Overall Winner was: Stranger (Korean Version) by SHINee!!

DAY 4: Laying Down in the Rain

This made me the most anxious so far by a million degrees, I’d say. I kept putting it off, making an excuse every time it rained, convincing myself it was a bad idea. And then one night at 11pm I heard it raining and didn’t hesitate to get in my car and find a spot to lay down. There’s something about being vulnerable in that sense – doing something out of the ordinary in a public space that disturbed me on some level. I started in a parking lot and laid down really close to my car, with the hazards on and the door open. I was terrified of a car coming over and asking if I was alright because what would I say? “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m trying to force myself to have an out of body experience.” When the parking lot had an increase of traffic, I fled the scene, but I didn’t feel like I completed what I set out to do. There was still more to this experience that I hadn’t found out yet. So, I drove around to a different parking lot and this time had the courage to lay down further from my car – I was already soaked, there was nothing to lose really.
I’m so glad I laid down a second time instead of going home because I had never felt calm like that before. I was anxious in the back of my head about people seeing me, but it didn’t really bother me. The sensation of looking up at the opened sky with no distractions and no worries and just watching rain fall down was something I wouldn’t be able to do justice by explaining in words. It was like staring at the open ocean on a cloudy day, no end in sight but it wasn’t as terrifying as you’d imagine.

As gross as it sounds, the smell of my rain-soaked clothes and damp skin was strongly familiar and comforting to me. Reminding me of a childhood I had forgotten. It felt reassuring and safe and got me thinking – when was the last time I allowed myself to stay out in the rain? At some point in my life I switched from excitingly running outside at the first sign on rain to running away from it. When did I lose that childlike perspective? When did getting soaked change from thrilling to annoying? I want to find that again, I want to be excited about things again.

This took much more out of me than I thought it would and while I had planned to complete ten days of activities, I was only able to do four while keeping the peace in my own life. Perhaps I will make a part two of this series (or several parts) and document my journey on finding what the reason for all this is, why there’s so many different emotions floating around in our world ready for us to latch onto at any moment. I’m glad I was able to share these first four days with you guys and I hope you can dedicate time in your lives to do things that are scary, or that make you feel alive again. Till next time!

How to be Successful in College, From a College Student

Hi Guys! Long time no see (read?)! Every post I tell you I’m going to post more consistently and every time I drop the ball, I am so sorry about that lol. I hope this semester I can get back into a routine of posting regularly on both blogs (for the newbies, you can follow my Korean History Blog at theforgottenwar.home.blog for posts about the Korean war, International studies involving South Korea, Korean culture and so much more!!) That being said, lets get into it!!!

These tips and habits are what personally help me through the busy schedule of work, school, and personal life. I also go through school with ADHD, anxiety, and manic depression so some things in this post may seem like they wouldn’t help you specifically, and that’s totally okay. You are not me and I am not you. Take what you think might work, disregard what might not. The first step to being successful in anything is figuring out what works best for you.

Additionally, I am sure you have read articles or heard from your parents/guardians that say the traditional skills on succeeding in college. Attend class, take notes, utilize your professor’s office hours, ask questions, these are boring now. Everyone knows them. This post is to showcase the different tips or habits that you can do in college to make your daily life and your entire experience better and more manageable.

Disclaimer: Your level of success in college has NO correlation to your worth, your intelligence, or your value as a person or as a member of higher academia. THE most important thing is your health; mental, physical, and emotional. If school is seriously impacting one or all of these things you have to consider what is the next best step for you. I dropped out of college before due to poor mental health and spent about a year and a half getting myself to a spot where I could go back.

1) The Excel Spreadsheet

One of the most important skills you can have is organization and time management in school. Each semester, I use every syllabus for all my classes, and I write the due dates for everything into one master list spreadsheet. I write down readings, assignments, tests, projects, everything. and I put it into five columns – due date, class name, assignment type, assignment name, and if I’ve completed it or not. I then color coordinate it and put it into chronological order by due date.

Pro tip for this: put all your due dates as 24 hours before they are actually due. You’ll thank me later.

2) A Planner

Everyone will tell you that having a planner is important but having one is the easy part, how you use it is where it gets tricky. There a whole bunch of different kinds of planners, but there’s three main types of planners – the monthly calendar, the weekly/daily calendar, and a passion planner.

(Passion planners help you time out and plan each day down to the exact hour, which is super helpful if you are crazy busy.)

I use a planner that has both a monthly calendar and the weekly/daily sections. At the beginning of each week I write down the due dates that are coming up (pulled from my spreadsheet) and I block out how much time I physically will be in class or at work. Of course, I also add appointments, meetings, hangouts, etc.

3) The Sticky Note Method

This method is not the most eco-friendly, but I find it extremely helpful (especially during virtual schooling). Each day I’ll put each task I have to do on one sticky notes, so, five tasks equals five sticky notes. After I complete each task, I remove the sticky note, providing a physical and visual reminder of how much work I’ve done and how much I have left.

They’re not pretty by any means but you get the idea lol

4) Time Yourself

At the beginning of each semester when you are doing the first task/assignment for the class – time how long it takes you to do it. Discussion questions, reading and annotating a chapter, watching lectures, highlighting notes, just figure out how long each thing takes. That way when you find yourself thinking you don’t have time or you simply don’t want to do something you can see how long it will take and know if you actually have time to do it.

I use this method in my personal life every day, I have specific times written down for things like showering or brushing my teeth or folding my laundry. It helps me turn “I can’t” phrases into “I have the ability and the time.”

5) Have a Designated Space

I have a desk in my room so I am very lucky, and I know not everyone has the space or money for a desk so just pick a place that you can do your work in consistently. It could be the kitchen table, the living room floor, the library, just a spot. This helps you get into the mindset of “when I am here, I am working.”

6) Study Intervals and Use Technology to Help

When studying large chunks of material, it does no good to study for three straight hours. You’ll wear yourself out and won’t retain much of what you studied. Instead, try to study in fifteen- or thirty-minute sessions. Pick one topic at a time and, for example, only study vocabulary for fifteen minutes then take a break. Use technology to set timers or alarms to help you keep track.

I study for my foreign language class two hours every day, but I set alarms throughout the day to study for fifteen minutes on different aspects.

This is only for studying or reading and not for completing assignments, I always found that doing assignments start to finish in one sitting creates the best results.

7) Have a Hobby

You cannot function by only doing schoolwork in your free time. It will burn you out and make you hate class and learning. You need a hobby, something you do that you enjoy that has nothing to do with school. I love making blog posts and I also play video games in my free time. Of course, do this in moderation. Spending a couple hours doing fun stuff isn’t going to hurt your studies in any way.

8) No Work While Eating

This is the rule I’m most strict about. Of course, you can snack and drink while doing work no problem. But I mean eating your meals. Eating a meal does not count as a break but also shouldn’t be done while working on school or doing lectures. Doing so can create the mindset that eating is just another thing on your to-do list, another “assignment” to complete and can lead to you not wanting to eat. It is healthiest to eat normally, three meals a day if you can manage and don’t rush because you’re busy and don’t restrict meals because you’re busy.

9) Be a Normal College Kid

Hangout with your friends, stay up late for no reason, spend time doing stupid shit. Your studies are important, yes, but they’re not everything. you deserve a better college experience than hitting the books 24/7. You’re supposed to have FUN, be a little dumb, make questionable choices, these are GOOD things. When you graduate, you’re not going to wish you spent longer studying, you’re going to cherish the childish three am experiences you had with your friends.

At the same time, join clubs and associations! Get involved, make friends! College has so much more to offer than straight As and research papers.

10) Your Responsibility Free Day

Pick one day a week (this semester, my day is Friday) and just… don’t be a college student. Or a worker. Or anything. Just… exist. I don’t have class (or I get out early), I don’t have work, I don’t do homework, I don’t study. I just… am. This is very important in my opinion, you need rest, long term breaks and self-care.

So that’s it! I hope you all take care of yourself first and take care of your work load second. You are doing an AMAZING job and I am so so proud of you! I hope these tips will help you manage your schooling more effectively and you start to enjoy these years! College is supposed to be FUN! Here’s to next time, see you soon!!

Self-Care for when you Hit Rock Bottom

Hey guys! Its been a long time yeah? Almost a year since my last post. Thank you for sticking it out and still being here! It’s been a rough year, big changes and difficult things to get through but I’m in a much better mental place and getting proper help 😊 I’m gonna be posting regularly again but not every week like I was before. Hope you understand! See you soon!

I’m tired of seeing self-care books and articles written by neurotypical people (people who don’t experience mental illness). Having a bad or stressful day at work, while valid, isn’t the same thing as trying to manage life with a chronic mental illness or the difficulty of pulling yourself out of a severe depressive episode.

Because there’s so much more that goes into living a life like this, the typical self-care of bubble baths, green smoothies, and face masks doesn’t really work.

(Those things aren’t bad and if they work for you, I’m really happy! But they aren’t realistic for everyone.)

Here’s my list of self-care tips when you’re at your lowest! Hope this helps, you’re worth it.

Can’t take a shower or bath? Me either. Dry shampoo can make your hair look and feel cleaner and baby wipes or makeup wipes work great to get the top layer of grime off your skin.

Can’t wash your sheets and make your bed? I feel you. Push your blankets out of the way and shake the crumbs off your sheet. It will at least be a bit more comfortable.

Can’t even change out of your dirty pajamas? Been there (currently there). Hit yourself with some Febreze and a lint roller. If you can, brush your hair. If you can’t, hair ties and bobby pins work wonders. A good hat hides the worst of it, that’s my personal go-to.

Can’t make anything to eat? Same. If you can, there’s no shame in ordering food. In fact, it’s probably better you eat something rather than go hungry. If you can’t, try and find something that comes pre-made or takes minimal effort to make. At the very least, drink some water.

Can’t respond to messages or reach out for help? Yeah, I get that. Set an alarm for a few hours from now and respond to any messages you need to once you’ve given yourself time to prepare. If they’re important messages that need professional responses, you can find fill-in-the-blank format rough drafts on google. As far as personal messages go, don’t feel bad for sending a mass “I’m sorry, I’m in a personal emergency right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can” response to everyone.

Can’t even sleep because its so bad? ASMR videos are always good and also videos like Bob Ross painting. Just try to find something quiet and soothing to use as background noise and take your mind off it, or at least give you a more peaceful environment to think about it.

Can’t go for a walk or drive? Try opening the blinds or curtains. You’re still exposing yourself to the outside world. Baby steps.

Can’t go into work or school? Let people know. Let your coworkers or classmates know it’s an emergency and you can’t make it. Give yourself up to two days, but then you have to go back. Ask to have your work emailed to you so you know what you missed.

Can’t brush your teeth and wash your face? Makeup or baby wipes and gum or mouthwash. Don’t let yourself physically rot because you’re rotting emotionally.

Remember that you’ve been here before. If you survived then, you can survive now. That’s what this is about – survival. You don’t have to be living your Best Life. Right now, it’s more than enough that you’re alive.

The Correlation of Depression and a Messy Room

Hey Guys!! The semester is coming to an end and I think every student can relate to the moment you look at your destroyed room and just think, “what the heck happened here?” It’s a rite of passage to have a messy room as a college student but there’s a less talked about side of the Dirty Room that can revolve around the impacts of depression.

This week, we’re gonna delve into the messy archive of my own room that is more than a little embarrassing to share lol

The concept of getting out of bed daily and changing my clothes and brushing my hair and teeth, taking my medications, eating; all of this becomes so increasingly overwhelming I shut down. I do what I need to do to function: getting out of bed and taking my medications.

I wake up every day and I’m always on time for class and for work; my homework is always finished, and I rarely score lower than an A. But there’s a significant hidden side to my life, a side I keep close to my heart and usually only reference in jokes. My “inside life,” as I like to call it, is in all aspects a nightmare to me. I desire and crave perfection and organization, but what I’m left with, what I feel like I’m stuck with is destruction and chaos. My room has never stayed clean longer than a month, and by default resembles a stereotypical teenage boys’. There’s food on almost every surface, numerous soda cans that I can’t even think to count. Both clean and dirty clothes create a new seamless carpet I now walk on. Take-out bags and containers add a disgusting ambiance I’ve normalized. There’s a bowl with milk next to my bed that has cemented to the bottom of the bowl, I stare at it every night, but the idea of executing the energy to clean it eventually lulls me to sleep.

 If I’m lucky, I’ll wear an outfit of all clean clothes once a month. Most days I wear the same sweatshirt I’ve slept in for three weeks, and commonly I’m left with two options of wearing dirty underwear or none at all. Hats are an integrated part of my life, and not for the fashion forward aesthetics of them people see at first glance. I wear hats almost religiously because nine times out of ten I can’t remember the last time I showered. If I own a brush, I don’t know where it is. I’ve cut out more matted chunks of my hair than I care to admit because I can go days just lying in bed.

 I hate how unhygienic I am, and I am ashamed of how I function. What 21-year-old goes through their life without brushing their teeth or wearing deodorant? I breathe, I eat, I have social relationships, I exceed in school and at work, but do I have a quality of life? Will it always be like this?

 I tell people I have a solid foundation of functionality for my life. That despite being sad once in a while things are good, I can handle life. but, that is a well-used smoke screen for me. I do have the ability of maintain a sense of composure but the second something small inconveniences me or my routine my fragile composure is destroyed. When its vital that my self-destructive tendencies stay in check enough where an outside perspective sees nothing wrong, its the room that goes first. It’s the bedroom that is the perfect level of private and in-your-face.

I think it’s important to be aware of these habits we can easily justify as just a part of life, but when aspects of our coping or destruction impacts our daily lives in negative ways, we need to step back and acknowledge them.

I hope this weeks blog didn’t put you off to much! I’m aiming to fixing this problem in my life but I’m glad to be able to share it with you guys!!

Till next week!! ❤

My Body Art and the Reason Behind the Ink

Hey Guys! So this is my first blog post! (yay!) It’s an introduction to all my tattoo’s and why I got them! Thank you so much for reading and supporting me!

My first tattoo! J-Hope is the stage name of a member of a popular K-pop band: BTS! I love BTS. My all-time favorite band. And I got this tattoo when I was nineteen and just dropped out of college. I was incredibly depressed, and J-Hope’s entire persona is the embodiment of sunshine and happiness, and I needed all the happiness I could get. This tattoo started my new life.
My most painful tattoo! Haha this tattoo is a quote of a BTS album + song title, I am in love with this song and the meaning behind it. It was November 2017 when I got this tattoo and I was still trying to figure out how to function as a non-student, and the city I moved to was still foreign to me. I was lonely and this song, a group I loved dearly, saying that I’ll never walk alone, I’ll never be alone. Regardless of how lonely I was, I’ll “never walk alone”. Twenty-year-old me clung to that.
This is once again (you guess it!) a BTS song. I may or may not be a borderline obsessed fan, sue me. This tattoo is equally important as all my others solely for the meaning. The BTS albums “The Most Beautiful Moment in Life pt. 1 and pt. 2” embody the emphasis on youth. Our youth and how we can’t let our society or life circumstances take away our youth. And I relate to that greatly, I was letting my youth slip between my fingers. This tattoo, December 2017, marks the moment in my life I decided to take back my youth and do things that make me happy. Make me feel alive. This same month I decided to start over and enroll in college again!
.
Surprisingly not BTS related, but increasingly more somber. A K-pop star, Kim Jonghyun, had this exact tattoo in around the same location. He was an amazingly sweet, gentle, and kind man only 27 years-old. I saw him in concert the year before, spent way too much money, but I would double it to relive those memories. On December 10th, 2017, Kim Jonghyun took his own life inside his apartment in Seoul, South Korea. I was devastated, because I had these same urges and wants to end my life, and someone I looked up to had done it. It was like a shock of icy water being poured over my head. I went out and found a tattoo parlor that would give me the time of day and got this tattoo. That’s how I grieved an ending that wasn’t mine.
My largest tattoo and the only one in color! I love love love this tattoo and get so many compliments on it! (shout out to Ben! Haha) I chose No Face from “Spirited Away” because of what the character represents. (Not to mention, Spirited Away is my favorite movie!) No Face has a reputation of being incredibly greedy and evil, but that’s not who No Face is, he just absorbs and replicates the emotions presented to him according to his environment. I truly relate to that.

Well that’s all of them! I can promise there will be more to come and we’ll do a Part Two!! I’ll be updating every Thursday, see you guys next week!! ❤